Text: @Ershui Yuzu Tea
After my mother left, I felt very confused and often lost in thought. I felt like my life had lost its center of gravity.
Every morning, I would wake up at six o'clock and rush to wash up and tidy up. I felt like I should go to the hospital. My mother was still in the hospital, waiting for me.
A few days ago was the seventh day, and I couldn't perform any decent rituals.
I spent nearly sixty yuan on fruits on the platform, which used to cost only over 20 yuan. But this is the only thing I can buy.
Other grains and vegetables are even more scarce, and there is no meat.
It is even impossible to buy any candles or paper money.
In fact, this started with the increasingly strict closure policy after the city of Wuhan was sealed off.
I haven't been watching those official media for a long time. They are too fake and too biased.
Mastering the direction of public opinion is the government's way of educating the public, making everyone who is not in the center of the whirlpool optimistic and ignorant.
The community delivery packages that are announced are all absolute image projects, showing outsiders: how good the food is for the people in Wuhan and Hubei, and how hard the frontline workers are delivering it to their doorsteps.
And all kinds of insults.
Well, say whatever makes you happy.
Ordinary people are always at the bottom, especially in the face of major disasters and difficulties.
Various donated materials from all over the country, we haven't even seen a hair, even before the comprehensive closure of residential areas and supermarkets, we haven't seen any.
Not to mention the current lockdown of residential areas for nearly two weeks, where all the food is only available through community group purchases, with no choice.
One head of Chinese cabbage, one head of broccoli, two potatoes, two carrots, four green peppers, two white radishes, a total of 50 yuan - the content of a three-day delivery.
It's good to have something to eat. If you are picky at this time, you will be scolded by various voices as if you want to die.
At this time, I can't help but think that it's a good thing that my mother is relieved. Otherwise, she would have to live with me in such days, and from the current situation, it will probably be more than a month.
Cancer patients need various proteins and a variety of nutrition, especially my mother who has no teeth. The gallbladder and pancreas have had serious complications during the initial chemotherapy, so her diet is actually very difficult.
Where did the donated food and supplies from other provinces go? First, to the families of frontline medical staff and civil servants, then to the hospital canteens, and finally to the community offices.
The rest is taken by those supermarkets and sold at high prices to residents in the community.
I have already seen various pictures in my circle of friends and local Weibo communities, boxes and pieces of food sent to them, unable to finish eating, showing off by giving them away.
This is also the reason why many patients in the Fangcang hospitals are unwilling to leave. The food there is much better than at home.
Such measures can be said to be for nutrition, or for other purposes.
My mother's last week was very painful.
People's joys and sorrows are not the same, because they don't think about the obvious methods and suggestions they give. Haven't the patients and their families who have been treating the disease for many years thought about it? There will always be brave men under heavy rewards. Some people have already escaped to Jiangxi by finding a car.
Are those who escaped to Jiangxi from Wuhan? Even crossing the river from Wuchang District to Hankou in Wuhan requires inspection.
Low immunity, eat more vitamin C.
Haha, suggesting leukemia patients to eat vitamin C to improve immunity.
Those who say these things.
They don't even understand what neutrophils are afraid of.
Just transfusion, can't you just go to any Putian hospital? Why do you think the medical system can be so casual? Even if the epidemic is so severe, blood transfusion is strictly regulated. Blood type, cross-matching, full screening during blood transfusion, the probability of allergic shock during blood transfusion, even if I am willing to take risks, the hospital, the doctors are not willing, everyone has the mentality of avoiding risks, let alone non-specialized doctors why should they take on such responsibilities, not all hospitals have a hematology department.
Everything is taken for granted, never encountered, never tried, but can be said openly, if others do not accept it, it is not trying hard enough.
Many things, don't you have logical judgment in advance?
When I consulted the Health Commission, they told me that when the epidemic broke out, there was no distinction between public and private hospitals. All personnel went to the front line to support, and the remaining patients who couldn't be discharged were left in the departments.
And these departments do not accept new patients.
Because they are afraid of admitting latent cases and causing cross-infection.
There is no room for bargaining.
Medical and nursing staff from all over the country have come to support, is there any reason for us to stay behind? The consequences of the support from all over the country are that many cancer treatments and specialized surgeries in the local area have been affected, let alone the epidemic center in Hubei.
My mother finally died of bleeding, as I said, once you leave the house, it's a gamble.
The 120 ambulance cannot cross districts.
My mother suffered from cancer pain at home for a whole week, getting worse every night, unable to sleep.
In the last ten days, she ate very little, a few sips of water, a few mouthfuls of porridge.
That night, she kept begging me to find some medicine for her to speed up her death. Later, she took a fruit knife and wanted to cut her wrist.
I couldn't stop her, because she was in so much pain.
I could only cry and call 110 to report the situation.
After 110 arrived, my mother insisted on telling the police that she was worried about the impact on me.
On the morning of the 19th, with the help of Lao Mao and Zhang Dingwen, I finally used the 120 ambulance to take my mother to the emergency room of Wuhan People's Hospital at Wuhan University. It was the last available spot in the emergency room, and then I saw all kinds of human tragedies with my own eyes - no matter how serious, no matter how much they begged, the doctors refused to admit them because there were no more spots.
Crying, begging, kneeling and kowtowing, one by one brought in by the 120 ambulance, and then dragged back by the 120 ambulance.
Endless.
How much capacity can an emergency room in a hospital have? In the past, patients would be transferred to various departments and wards immediately. Now it's not possible because they have to wait for three days for multiple tests to confirm that they are virus-negative! The news about the hospitals that announced the admission of non-pneumonia patients in Wuhan on the 17th and 18th is for outsiders to see. People who have more dealings and those who understand a little will understand that the announcement is one thing, but whether the hospital admits patients depends on the right of the hospital's emergency department - capacity, severity of the illness, and so on.
The population of Wuhan is there! My mother's fellow patient called me and told me that her sister had a sudden heart attack at home. It was very difficult to get through to 120, and she was refused admission by eight hospitals' emergency departments along the way. She died in the 120 ambulance in the end.
My cousin's grandfather fainted at home, called 120, and the ambulance came after six hours. They declared his death directly and then notified the funeral home to come and take the body.
Now Wuhan has announced the addition of pharmacies for the purchase of medication for severe and chronic diseases, with two pharmacies in each central urban area.
In the past, there were only two pharmacies in the whole city of Wuhan, and they were all in Hankou.
Now the officials have realized it? Recognizing this group of people? After isolating the various administrative districts, how can these patients buy medication? And without the opening of hospital outpatient departments, there is no way to conduct examinations and tests, just taking medication? It's really naive.
Well, it's better than nothing.
Originally, these measures were not announced for the patients to see.
That day, I watched my mother's heart monitor slowly stop, and I cried uncontrollably. The medical staff came over and accused me of disturbing their treatment environment.
The morgue quickly came to take the body, and the medical staff asked me to quickly pack up and leave with the body. There was no time to spare.
Even when we entered the hospital, we had already been screened and confirmed not to have viral pneumonia.
I was in chaos, packing up non-stop, not even having time to change my mother's clothes.
In the morgue, the staff told me that actually only thirty percent of the people who died from the epidemic pneumonia, the rest were people like us who were deprived of the right to treatment and died, especially leukemia and dialysis patients.
In the afternoon at two o'clock, the funeral home vehicle from Wuchang District arrived.
Have you ever seen the bodies wrapped in body bags and stacked in those vehicles like cabbage? Because of the epidemic, the funeral home's vehicles come out and collect bodies from each hospital one by one. It is impossible to have one person per vehicle, with coffins inside.
After being dragged back, they will be cremated within two hours, and family members are not allowed to follow. After the epidemic is over, they will notify me to collect the ashes.
I even doubt whether the ashes I receive under such background operations will be correct.
This experience will be etched in my memory for a lifetime.
I always thought that the two years of suffering from the disease were the limit, but I encountered natural and man-made disasters and was deprived of the right to treatment.
In the end, there was no way to handle any aftermath.
There are so many patients like my mother who have been sacrificed, but they are not counted in the statistics and will not be announced.
Outside, there is a chorus of praise and a rosy situation.
It's as if everyone has amnesia. Can a city not have any other diseases? My uncle-in-law has blood in his urine and can't go to the hospital for examination; a fellow patient in the same hospital can't continue chemotherapy, can only wait for cancer cells to grow wildly; pregnant women are still seeking help on the internet; gallbladder surgery, eye surgery, acute appendicitis surgery, gastric ulcer bleeding, stroke causing hemiplegia... The Chinese dream must continue, right?
Those healthy lucky ones on the internet, who lack life experience, stay at home every day and have their parents take care of everything for them. Then they knock on the internet: Can't you Wuhan people endure a little longer? The medical and nursing staff at the grassroots level are already working very hard!
The living people must live on with difficulty, and I really don't know how to express the emptiness in my heart.
Many friends, whether I know them or not, have contacted me to comfort me. Those who called me in the early stages, those who stayed up all night talking to me, those who sent me things, and even those who wanted to give me money, you are the light I see in despair.
Even though there is a scum named "Loach" who sends private messages after posting on Weibo, asking if we are dead, cursing us.
On the internet, there are endless cheers for Hubei and Wuhan, but once they find out that someone from Hubei or Wuhan is a tenant or a worker, they immediately report to the police and offer a reward for isolation.
I still want to believe that there are more kind people.
Because of Lao Mao, because of Zhang Dingwen, because of Zhuzi, because of the director of the Blood Center, and because of my friends who are trying to send me packages from other provinces to improve my material life.
When I receive the ashes, I want to take my mother on a trip.
Many years ago, when I traveled all over the country, my mother was always reluctant to go. She only went with me to Yunnan and Hunan, and she never even saw the sea.
But now, it is estimated that Wuhan people will not be able to leave the province for a long time, even after the epidemic is over, they will still be unwelcome.
Xiaoyang told me that when a person reaches a certain age, they must take care of themselves.
Yes, since the year my mother got sick, I have been prepared for this.
The last words my mother said to me were to take care of myself...